Anticipation

That time between tests and finding out results is the worst and can be filled with anxiety. I read posts from my fellow BC sisters and I know this time can really weigh heavy on their mind. I am no different; however, I believe I manage my angst well as I try to keep a positive attitude. I spent two days at the hospital last week receiving my monthly treatment as well as completing my follow-up appointments. Then it is the waiting game for another four days before I find out the results.

Scans, injections, blood work, needles…..it can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. I catch myself dwelling on the what-ifs. The best scenario, is the current protocol is working at which point we will continue with this regiment and that means Al and I continue traveling. Worse case, I am not responding (which means I have disease progression) and we change the course of treatment. That could mean going back on chemotherapy even and possibly staying in Texas while I receive said treatment.

I think the latter brings me more uneasiness, not because my disease is progressing, but that could essentially mean the end of our trip. That bums me out! You might think that is silly, but traveling is what brings me the most joy. I have things to do and places to see. Then there is the plans we have for our forever home. I want to see those through. I envision the grandchildren and our nieces and nephews coming to our home to help feed the animals or ride the recreation vehicles or run around the property or fish in the pond. You see, we have dreams and big plans!

Am I fearful? Maybe a little. Do I worry? Not too much. I have learned that fear and worry serve no real purpose. Besides, I have a higher power in control no matter what. I have faith he has a plan and my best interest.